So funny how I find old parts of my internet life to entertain me when I've cut off my main source of joy and entertainment.
Can I just say that reading my post from my first week of church is SO FREAKING HILARIOUS to me now. I've been attending church weekly ever since, and attending many other functions as they come up. I have absolutely enjoyed my experience. I've met some amazing friends and I love love love them. Lots.
I'm still not really sure how I exactly feel about everything. I'm kind of just on autopilot really. I'm supposed to be working on getting closer to God and stuff during Lent, and instead I'm getting closer to my blog that I stopped writing 6 months ago. Womp.
I think what's holding me back is that I don't feel like I've really "experienced" God. I'd know if I had, right? Like, that should be something I can easily identify and point to and be like, "Yep, that was God, in my life, just now." But so far I can only say that I cry in church pretty regularly, usually when singing a song that I find particularly touching and/or when I receive a blessing during communion. Also, sometimes I get goosebumps. If that's God though, I'd prefer a big neon flashing sign, because I'm missing it.
Another thing that keeps holding me back is that it seems like I have to either be a CHRISTIAN or not. And I'm kind of liking my floating-in-between stage. I don't think my church friends realize that I'm kind of just pretending. But I'm not really. Because I'm rather honest about my ineptitude. I don't know. I just really don't like having to make this grandiose life-altering decisions at 23 years old. I don't like feeling pressure to "decide what I think." It's starting to feel a lot like philosophy class, which I also shy away from and somewhat dread. There are all these big questions that I can never possibly know the answer to, and I don't know how anyone ever could. But people think they do know the answers nonetheless, and expect others to also feel the same way. Something about that doesn't really jive with me... and I'm not sure how I'm going to reconcile that, exactly.
I think I should read the Bible more. But I'm not sure if that's what's missing or what. Plenty of people feel they should read the Bible more, but are still Christians and are still firm in their beliefs. I basically just feel a hot mess spiritually. I feel like I should have got this all figured out by now. Other people do. Why can't I figure this out? I'm not used to not having things figured out. It's a new and scary place for me. But maybe that's the point...
I think I might have actually made some progress from writing this.
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