So funny how I find old parts of my internet life to entertain me when I've cut off my main source of joy and entertainment.
Can I just say that reading my post from my first week of church is SO FREAKING HILARIOUS to me now. I've been attending church weekly ever since, and attending many other functions as they come up. I have absolutely enjoyed my experience. I've met some amazing friends and I love love love them. Lots.
I'm still not really sure how I exactly feel about everything. I'm kind of just on autopilot really. I'm supposed to be working on getting closer to God and stuff during Lent, and instead I'm getting closer to my blog that I stopped writing 6 months ago. Womp.
I think what's holding me back is that I don't feel like I've really "experienced" God. I'd know if I had, right? Like, that should be something I can easily identify and point to and be like, "Yep, that was God, in my life, just now." But so far I can only say that I cry in church pretty regularly, usually when singing a song that I find particularly touching and/or when I receive a blessing during communion. Also, sometimes I get goosebumps. If that's God though, I'd prefer a big neon flashing sign, because I'm missing it.
Another thing that keeps holding me back is that it seems like I have to either be a CHRISTIAN or not. And I'm kind of liking my floating-in-between stage. I don't think my church friends realize that I'm kind of just pretending. But I'm not really. Because I'm rather honest about my ineptitude. I don't know. I just really don't like having to make this grandiose life-altering decisions at 23 years old. I don't like feeling pressure to "decide what I think." It's starting to feel a lot like philosophy class, which I also shy away from and somewhat dread. There are all these big questions that I can never possibly know the answer to, and I don't know how anyone ever could. But people think they do know the answers nonetheless, and expect others to also feel the same way. Something about that doesn't really jive with me... and I'm not sure how I'm going to reconcile that, exactly.
I think I should read the Bible more. But I'm not sure if that's what's missing or what. Plenty of people feel they should read the Bible more, but are still Christians and are still firm in their beliefs. I basically just feel a hot mess spiritually. I feel like I should have got this all figured out by now. Other people do. Why can't I figure this out? I'm not used to not having things figured out. It's a new and scary place for me. But maybe that's the point...
I think I might have actually made some progress from writing this.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sunday, September 25, 2011
On Deleting Facebook "Friends"
So I've spent pretty much all day deleting people from Facebook and reorganizing my friends lists and resetting my privacy settings and here are a few things I've noticed.
(1) There are lots of people who are inactive on Facebook, and those people are the easiest to delete, because there is nothing worth creeping.
(2) People with babies or who are pregnant will always stay on my friends list until such a time that they become really obnoxious, or their kids stops being cute.
(3) I'm less likely to delete you if we recently became friends, even though in about 6 more months, I'll probably delete you.
(4) There is a fine line between people who I really don't like and delete, and people who I really don't like, but do like to creep upon occasionally.
(5) My "close friends" shift every few months.
The End.
P.S. I have a BUNCH of posts that I need to write, so look forward to that coming very very soon!
(1) There are lots of people who are inactive on Facebook, and those people are the easiest to delete, because there is nothing worth creeping.
(2) People with babies or who are pregnant will always stay on my friends list until such a time that they become really obnoxious, or their kids stops being cute.
(3) I'm less likely to delete you if we recently became friends, even though in about 6 more months, I'll probably delete you.
(4) There is a fine line between people who I really don't like and delete, and people who I really don't like, but do like to creep upon occasionally.
(5) My "close friends" shift every few months.
The End.
P.S. I have a BUNCH of posts that I need to write, so look forward to that coming very very soon!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
September's Children
Sometimes I wish I could just post music as a status update, because I think music has a way of saying something that words will never be able to express.
Pretty much since the song debuted, Rise Against's "Make It Stop (September's Children)" has become one of my favorite songs. When I first watched the video, I literally sobbed for a good 15 minutes afterward. I find the song very inspiring. (Incidentally, if you haven't heard the song or seen the video, the link is here). It's been a year since the September that prompted this song. I reflect upon their deaths and find it very hard to grapple with the pain and suffering that not only those individuals dealt with, but that their friends and family are still dealing with today. It's hard to imagine, and yet, it's still very fresh in my mind.
I personally struggled for a long time with some serious self-hatred. While my inner battles were largely separate from my sexuality, I can't say that there wasn't an underlying factor in my struggles. Thankfully, by the time that this song/video were released, I was in a much better place emotionally. But the song reminded me so much of the pain that I felt every day. It's still a raw subject for me.
What I get most from this song and my experiences is that we should always be extended a hand/ear/shoulder to someone, regardless of what you may or may not know about their circumstance. I know for me, it really took other people coming to me in order for me to truly see my self-worth. I found comfort in that. I think that just being available to people probably saves more lives than you know. I've learned some lessons in patience and empathy, and I think that has made me a better citizen of the world. If we all work towards thinking about others more and ourselves less, I think we could really make a difference in the world.
So please extend a kind message or warm smile to someone; often it is these simple acts of kindness that influence people more than anything else.
As always, if you or someone you know is struggling and need someone to talk to, please use either/both of the following resources:
National Suicide Prevention Website
NSP Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Specifically for the LGBT Community:
The Trevor Project Website
1-866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)
Pretty much since the song debuted, Rise Against's "Make It Stop (September's Children)" has become one of my favorite songs. When I first watched the video, I literally sobbed for a good 15 minutes afterward. I find the song very inspiring. (Incidentally, if you haven't heard the song or seen the video, the link is here). It's been a year since the September that prompted this song. I reflect upon their deaths and find it very hard to grapple with the pain and suffering that not only those individuals dealt with, but that their friends and family are still dealing with today. It's hard to imagine, and yet, it's still very fresh in my mind.
I personally struggled for a long time with some serious self-hatred. While my inner battles were largely separate from my sexuality, I can't say that there wasn't an underlying factor in my struggles. Thankfully, by the time that this song/video were released, I was in a much better place emotionally. But the song reminded me so much of the pain that I felt every day. It's still a raw subject for me.
What I get most from this song and my experiences is that we should always be extended a hand/ear/shoulder to someone, regardless of what you may or may not know about their circumstance. I know for me, it really took other people coming to me in order for me to truly see my self-worth. I found comfort in that. I think that just being available to people probably saves more lives than you know. I've learned some lessons in patience and empathy, and I think that has made me a better citizen of the world. If we all work towards thinking about others more and ourselves less, I think we could really make a difference in the world.
So please extend a kind message or warm smile to someone; often it is these simple acts of kindness that influence people more than anything else.
As always, if you or someone you know is struggling and need someone to talk to, please use either/both of the following resources:
National Suicide Prevention Website
NSP Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Specifically for the LGBT Community:
The Trevor Project Website
1-866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Busy.
It's funny how when I'm (basically) unemployed and not in school, I find myself busier than when I was working 40 hours a week. Today I went to do a trial run with a kids place where I'd be watching the owners' kids while they work. One of the owners is from my pool. I worked with them for about 3 hours. Then I called about that job offer from last night and talked to the woman who I'd be sending my resume to. I grabbed lunch, ate it, & ran home to change clothes. Then I went to go babysit for a couple hours. After babysitting I had to get gas, go to the bank, the post office, and go vote. None of that sounds like a ton, but I felt like I had a bunch going on. But I'm making up for it tomorrow when I do basically nothing all day. Except polish off my resume and send that off. Maybe I'll do some more reading... Stay tuned.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Coincidences
How do we know when things "just happen" to us and when things are destined to happen to us? Is it always only one or the other, or do random events happen in conjunction with some sort of cosmic plan (from a god or otherwise)? These are questions I have especially after what just happened in my last hour of working at the pool.
I had spent my entire shift doing nothing but writing on my blog, and reading a book from the Bible that Dave suggested to me after our meeting today. There wasn't a soul there all day long. The guy who I relieved at 3 today had said that no one had been there during his whole shift either. So about quarter after 8 a guy comes in and does some PT exercises because he was in a car accident last year. He starts talking to me, finds out that I'm a recent graduate and looking for employment. He then tells me that he co-owns a financial planning company and they're looking for someone to be the marketing assistant for them. And after some more conversation about the responsibilities of the job, he tells me that he thinks I'd be perfect for it. He tells me the number to call and who to speak with and then he tells me to come by the office before I even interview, so that the other woman can meet me beforehand and so I can get the lay of the land in advance so I'm comfortable when I come in and interview. He said as long as this woman and his business partner liked me, I would be good for the job. At the end of our conversation, he told me that I really presented myself well.
I was so unbelievably floored. This whole interaction was so unexpected. I don't know what to make of this whole thing really. I prayed earlier today, after my meeting with Dave. He suggested it and I was REALLY skeptical about it since I really didn't even know how to pray. But I gave it a go. I'm hesitant to chalk this up to my first prayer ever, but it's interesting. I prayed again on my way home tonight. I don't know if you're supposed to pray while you're driving at 65 mph on the JFX, but I don't really care.
But if that was too religious for you all, I'm now going to watch Religulous (a documentary by the famed atheist Bill Maher). So... stay posted? Also, I'm totally calling this company tomorrow because this could be one of the best things to ever happen to me.
I had spent my entire shift doing nothing but writing on my blog, and reading a book from the Bible that Dave suggested to me after our meeting today. There wasn't a soul there all day long. The guy who I relieved at 3 today had said that no one had been there during his whole shift either. So about quarter after 8 a guy comes in and does some PT exercises because he was in a car accident last year. He starts talking to me, finds out that I'm a recent graduate and looking for employment. He then tells me that he co-owns a financial planning company and they're looking for someone to be the marketing assistant for them. And after some more conversation about the responsibilities of the job, he tells me that he thinks I'd be perfect for it. He tells me the number to call and who to speak with and then he tells me to come by the office before I even interview, so that the other woman can meet me beforehand and so I can get the lay of the land in advance so I'm comfortable when I come in and interview. He said as long as this woman and his business partner liked me, I would be good for the job. At the end of our conversation, he told me that I really presented myself well.
I was so unbelievably floored. This whole interaction was so unexpected. I don't know what to make of this whole thing really. I prayed earlier today, after my meeting with Dave. He suggested it and I was REALLY skeptical about it since I really didn't even know how to pray. But I gave it a go. I'm hesitant to chalk this up to my first prayer ever, but it's interesting. I prayed again on my way home tonight. I don't know if you're supposed to pray while you're driving at 65 mph on the JFX, but I don't really care.
But if that was too religious for you all, I'm now going to watch Religulous (a documentary by the famed atheist Bill Maher). So... stay posted? Also, I'm totally calling this company tomorrow because this could be one of the best things to ever happen to me.
Sometimes It's the Small Things
Today I got my new Vera Bradley lunchbox. I bought it on super sale because they aren't making this style anymore, but I like this style more than the new ones, because this one is actually a decent size, while the other lunch totes wouldn't hold hardly anything. I wanted to show it off. I really do like it, especially because I got it in my favorite pattern of right now. I hope that now I can get a more regular job where I actually get to use it often enough! But if/when I do, I'll be ready!
Week One
Well, I went to The Church of the Resurrection on Sunday, September 11, 2011. It was a very positive experience and I will be returning for the foreseeable future. I still do not consider myself a Christian by any stretch of the imagination, but I absolutely love this family that has invited me to go and I've decided that I'm going to continue to go until I don't want to anymore. I'm not going to set up a time table for myself. Like, I'm not going to say, "Well, in 6 months, if I still think it's basically bullshit, I'll stop going." I think I owe myself more of an opportunity than that. After all, I've spent 22+ years developing my atheism, so why shouldn't I expect to give this some time?
So on Sunday I got up and met Kristin and the girls (their 4 daughters, ages 10, 8, 6, and 3) at their house. Kristin gave me the option just before we left to have me follow behind them in case I wanted to make a quick exit, but I told her I would be glad to stay as long as she was going to. This Sunday was the Fall Kickoff, so they had a big picnic after the service and a bouncy castle (obviously, my favorite thing). So we drove up, and on the way, Kristin and I recounted our "Where We Were" stories about 9-11 for each other and the girls, since the oldest one was a month old at the time. It was very interesting telling kids about my experience, especially because I was only 2 years older than the oldest one when it happened. Anyway, we arrived and parked. The girls got very excited when they saw the bouncy castle, but Kristin said that they had to wait 'til afterwards to jump. So we were greeted by some people outside and Kristin started introducing me to everyone. And what I liked a lot was that she would say, "This is our friend, Kari." I thought to myself how wonderful that small statement felt. As we made our way into the church and down the hallway, Dave popped out one of the doors and saw me. I think he was genuinely surprised to actually see me there, but he was very happy and welcoming nonetheless, and gave me a fist-bump. Anyway, the girls are all still young enough to be in Sunday School, although I believe they call it Children's Worship, or something to that effect. So we dropped them all off in their respective classrooms. Kristin and I then grabbed name-tags (she had a permanent one and I made myself a temporary one) and we went inside the church, (I'm unsure of the official name of the part of the building where the pews and the altar are, but that's ok for now). We had to find a pew with enough space for the oldest three girls to come in, because they would be joining us just before communion.
The actual service was very nice. I like the traditional music and what not. Since my only real experience with any church service is in the Catholic Church, I found all of the ritual and stuff very familiar. The program for the service is all laid out very easily so that I didn't have any problem following along. I was actually very glad that they had that; it made me feel more comfortable because I knew what to expect the whole way through. Dave's sermon was on the first 15 or so lines from Mark. He focused on how good news needs a frame of reference in order for it to be considered "good" or "news." The sermon was very informative and I appreciated what he said.
When it came time for communion, Dave said that you could come up and receive communion if you were accepted Jesus into your life (or something to that affect?), you could come up just for a blessing & not take communion, you could remain in your seat, or you could go to the back of the church to pray with some people who were situated in the back for that purpose. I chose to remain in my seat because I started to get very emotional. I felt embarrassed to not be going up. Whenever I get exceedingly embarrassed, I cry. It doesn't matter what the situation is, but I cry from the overwhelming emotions that well up within me when I'm anxious/embarrassed. So I stayed in my pew and waited for Kristin and the girls to come back. We sang a little more and then recited a little more, badda-bing, all done. Let there be food. And Bouncy Castles.
Dave caught up with me at some point during the picnic and asked if he could meet with me about the service. So I met with him this morning (Monday) and we talked about where I'm at and some of my concerns and questions. We talked about my upbringing and my experiences with Christianity. He clarified some things for me about what's expected and unexpected and the differences between the Episcopal and Anglican Churches in the US. I was really curious about the split and if that meant that I, as a lesbian, would still be accepted. As I understood the split, I thought that it was solely based on the Episcopal Church's acceptance of LGBT people and ordination of women that caused people to leave the Episcopal Church. When he talked to me about his reasons for shifting and what not, I felt more at ease because it had nothing to do with that for him, and he said that there was an individual in the church who wanted an anti-gay church, but he didn't last because that's not who they are. As we parted this afternoon, he gave me a bit of homework, to read the book of John, and to pray, if I felt comfortable doing that. I'm going to give it a go, but I kind of feel like I'm faking it right now. I don't know if/when that feeling is going to subside.
I'm really unsure about how any of this is going to pan out. I don't know if I will ever believe in god or Jesus or anything really. If I do end up there, I don't see the path from where I'm standing right now, that's for sure. But I'm going to keep going to church, if for nothing else, for the companionship and community that I so desire right now, since I basically have no real friends anywhere nearby, other than the kids and parents from my pool, and my best friend from high school. Who knows what might pop up. Will keep you posted though.
So on Sunday I got up and met Kristin and the girls (their 4 daughters, ages 10, 8, 6, and 3) at their house. Kristin gave me the option just before we left to have me follow behind them in case I wanted to make a quick exit, but I told her I would be glad to stay as long as she was going to. This Sunday was the Fall Kickoff, so they had a big picnic after the service and a bouncy castle (obviously, my favorite thing). So we drove up, and on the way, Kristin and I recounted our "Where We Were" stories about 9-11 for each other and the girls, since the oldest one was a month old at the time. It was very interesting telling kids about my experience, especially because I was only 2 years older than the oldest one when it happened. Anyway, we arrived and parked. The girls got very excited when they saw the bouncy castle, but Kristin said that they had to wait 'til afterwards to jump. So we were greeted by some people outside and Kristin started introducing me to everyone. And what I liked a lot was that she would say, "This is our friend, Kari." I thought to myself how wonderful that small statement felt. As we made our way into the church and down the hallway, Dave popped out one of the doors and saw me. I think he was genuinely surprised to actually see me there, but he was very happy and welcoming nonetheless, and gave me a fist-bump. Anyway, the girls are all still young enough to be in Sunday School, although I believe they call it Children's Worship, or something to that effect. So we dropped them all off in their respective classrooms. Kristin and I then grabbed name-tags (she had a permanent one and I made myself a temporary one) and we went inside the church, (I'm unsure of the official name of the part of the building where the pews and the altar are, but that's ok for now). We had to find a pew with enough space for the oldest three girls to come in, because they would be joining us just before communion.
The actual service was very nice. I like the traditional music and what not. Since my only real experience with any church service is in the Catholic Church, I found all of the ritual and stuff very familiar. The program for the service is all laid out very easily so that I didn't have any problem following along. I was actually very glad that they had that; it made me feel more comfortable because I knew what to expect the whole way through. Dave's sermon was on the first 15 or so lines from Mark. He focused on how good news needs a frame of reference in order for it to be considered "good" or "news." The sermon was very informative and I appreciated what he said.
When it came time for communion, Dave said that you could come up and receive communion if you were accepted Jesus into your life (or something to that affect?), you could come up just for a blessing & not take communion, you could remain in your seat, or you could go to the back of the church to pray with some people who were situated in the back for that purpose. I chose to remain in my seat because I started to get very emotional. I felt embarrassed to not be going up. Whenever I get exceedingly embarrassed, I cry. It doesn't matter what the situation is, but I cry from the overwhelming emotions that well up within me when I'm anxious/embarrassed. So I stayed in my pew and waited for Kristin and the girls to come back. We sang a little more and then recited a little more, badda-bing, all done. Let there be food. And Bouncy Castles.
Dave caught up with me at some point during the picnic and asked if he could meet with me about the service. So I met with him this morning (Monday) and we talked about where I'm at and some of my concerns and questions. We talked about my upbringing and my experiences with Christianity. He clarified some things for me about what's expected and unexpected and the differences between the Episcopal and Anglican Churches in the US. I was really curious about the split and if that meant that I, as a lesbian, would still be accepted. As I understood the split, I thought that it was solely based on the Episcopal Church's acceptance of LGBT people and ordination of women that caused people to leave the Episcopal Church. When he talked to me about his reasons for shifting and what not, I felt more at ease because it had nothing to do with that for him, and he said that there was an individual in the church who wanted an anti-gay church, but he didn't last because that's not who they are. As we parted this afternoon, he gave me a bit of homework, to read the book of John, and to pray, if I felt comfortable doing that. I'm going to give it a go, but I kind of feel like I'm faking it right now. I don't know if/when that feeling is going to subside.
I'm really unsure about how any of this is going to pan out. I don't know if I will ever believe in god or Jesus or anything really. If I do end up there, I don't see the path from where I'm standing right now, that's for sure. But I'm going to keep going to church, if for nothing else, for the companionship and community that I so desire right now, since I basically have no real friends anywhere nearby, other than the kids and parents from my pool, and my best friend from high school. Who knows what might pop up. Will keep you posted though.
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