Week One

Well, I went to The Church of the Resurrection on Sunday, September 11, 2011. It was a very positive experience and I will be returning for the foreseeable future. I still do not consider myself a Christian by any stretch of the imagination, but I absolutely love this family that has invited me to go and I've decided that I'm going to continue to go until I don't want to anymore. I'm not going to set up a time table for myself. Like, I'm not going to say, "Well, in 6 months, if I still think it's basically bullshit, I'll stop going." I think I owe myself more of an opportunity than that. After all, I've spent 22+ years developing my atheism, so why shouldn't I expect to give this some time?

So on Sunday I got up and met Kristin and the girls (their 4 daughters, ages 10, 8, 6, and 3) at their house. Kristin gave me the option just before we left to have me follow behind them in case I wanted to make a quick exit, but I told her I would be glad to stay as long as she was going to. This Sunday was the Fall Kickoff, so they had a big picnic after the service and a bouncy castle (obviously, my favorite thing). So we drove up, and on the way, Kristin and I recounted our "Where We Were" stories about 9-11 for each other and the girls, since the oldest one was a month old at the time. It was very interesting telling kids about my experience, especially because I was only 2 years older than the oldest one when it happened. Anyway, we arrived and parked. The girls got very excited when they saw the bouncy castle, but Kristin said that they had to wait 'til afterwards to jump. So we were greeted by some people outside and Kristin started introducing me to everyone. And what I liked a lot was that she would say, "This is our friend, Kari." I thought to myself how wonderful that small statement felt. As we made our way into the church and down the hallway, Dave popped out one of the doors and saw me. I think he was genuinely surprised to actually see me there, but he was very happy and welcoming nonetheless, and gave me a fist-bump. Anyway, the girls are all still young enough to be in Sunday School, although I believe they call it Children's Worship, or something to that effect. So we dropped them all off in their respective classrooms. Kristin and I then grabbed name-tags (she had a permanent one and I made myself a temporary one) and we went inside the church, (I'm unsure of the official name of the part of the building where the pews and the altar are, but that's ok for now). We had to find a pew with enough space for the oldest three girls to come in, because they would be joining us just before communion.

The actual service was very nice. I like the traditional music and what not. Since my only real experience with any church service is in the Catholic Church, I found all of the ritual and stuff very familiar. The program for the service is all laid out very easily so that I didn't have any problem following along. I was actually very glad that they had that; it made me feel more comfortable because I knew what to expect the whole way through. Dave's sermon was on the first 15 or so lines from Mark. He focused on how good news needs a frame of reference in order for it to be considered "good" or "news." The sermon was very informative and I appreciated what he said.

When it came time for communion, Dave said that you could come up and receive communion if you were accepted Jesus into your life (or something to that affect?), you could come up just for a blessing & not take communion, you could remain in your seat, or you could go to the back of the church to pray with some people who were situated in the back for that purpose. I chose to remain in my seat because I started to get very emotional. I felt embarrassed to not be going up. Whenever I get exceedingly embarrassed, I cry. It doesn't matter what the situation is, but I cry from the overwhelming emotions that well up within me when I'm anxious/embarrassed. So I stayed in my pew and waited for Kristin and the girls to come back. We sang a little more and then recited a little more, badda-bing, all done. Let there be food. And Bouncy Castles.

Dave caught up with me at some point during the picnic and asked if he could meet with me about the service. So I met with him this morning (Monday) and we talked about where I'm at and some of my concerns and questions. We talked about my upbringing and my experiences with Christianity. He clarified some things for me about what's expected and unexpected and the differences between the Episcopal and Anglican Churches in the US. I was really curious about the split and if that meant that I, as a lesbian, would still be accepted. As I understood the split, I thought that it was solely based on the Episcopal Church's acceptance of LGBT people and ordination of women that caused people to leave the Episcopal Church. When he talked to me about his reasons for shifting and what not, I felt more at ease because it had nothing to do with that for him, and he said that there was an individual in the church who wanted an anti-gay church, but he didn't last because that's not who they are. As we parted this afternoon, he gave me a bit of homework, to read the book of John, and to pray, if I felt comfortable doing that. I'm going to give it a go, but I kind of feel like I'm faking it right now. I don't know if/when that feeling is going to subside.

I'm really unsure about how any of this is going to pan out. I don't know if I will ever believe in god or Jesus or anything really. If I do end up there, I don't see the path from where I'm standing right now, that's for sure. But I'm going to keep going to church, if for nothing else, for the companionship and community that I so desire right now, since I basically have no real friends anywhere nearby, other than the kids and parents from my pool, and my best friend from high school. Who knows what might pop up. Will keep you posted though.